As my P5 exam looms ever closer, I find myself lapsing into
the type of behaviour that I indulged in just before P4, a year ago.
Bitten nails, wandering around the flat aimlessly, even more
time spent on Facebook than normal, watching movies, tidying up without a real
reason to and above all...worrying.
Today I was listening to some older music from my collection
that I haven't played in a while. Awesome band Veruca Salt released a song back
in the 90s called "The Seether." In it the singer Louise describes
the rage monster that she becomes when angry. She admitted in interviews that
this was something she found unable to control and would say the most terrible
things to her family and friends. The song talks about "keeping her on a
short leash" and "trying to knock her out" but nothing can stop
"The Seether."
Louise said she regarded it as something that overcame her
and made her something totally, utterly alien to her normal self. She hated how she
became but like a female Hulk, sometimes her moods just could not be
controlled.
My Seether is a bit less aggressive, but still a
distraction. It takes over my life and makes me fret about meaningless shit. My
P5 grading is important to me but failing it is NOT the end of the world. I'll
repeat that for myself:
FAILING IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.
Even typing those words I can feel my Seether getting a bit
confused. After all, he/ it sat with me loyally in the run up to P4 and
dutifully got me to bite my nails to red ruin, end up taking double my prescribed
dosage of beta blockers and get Oxford Dictionary Ltd to phone me up asking if
I'd like to be the poster boy for the definition of the word
"stress".
Today I also read this excellent and reassuring article by Jon Bullock, head of KMG UK. He gives a lot of good advice about how to approach a grading with the right mindset.
My Seether is a blunt instrument and not the most
intelligent of beasts. It takes all that worry and nerves and outsources them
to other areas of my life. In the days before a grading I will find myself
wondering if I've got enough cat litter in the house. I'll procrastinate over
the fact that I have only 2 tins of tuna instead of 3. I'll even worry about
whether or not to replace my toothbrush.
My Seether isn't as extreme as Louise's but it's still
there. Tonight I was mirroring the P5 techniques via the DVD on my telly, and
got to the bit where Eyal Yanilov is talking about breathing techniques to
remain calm and focussed. He pointedly says that if you can control your
emotions you will learn to "control the fight."
My Seether makes me a shadow of the man I want to be. It makes me dithery, unfocussed, tired and panicky. It takes a wonderful experience like a Krav Maga grading and turns it into a court room appearance for a murder charge.
I will now reabsorb my Seether and change it into something
called The Foundation. It will aid me in the run up to my grading in 3 days
with a few nerves but more a supportive way of eating healthily, sleeping
adequately and keeping myself fit for the day.
The Seether isn't a bastard. It does what it's programmed to
do. It can however be retrained so it's not debilitating but an asset.
good luck mate
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